the swash zone

No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.   ~ Haruki Murakami I stumbled upon this quote while looking for something else and it's changed the direction of where I thought I'd go with today's update.  To be honest, I'm never exactly sure where I'm headed when I sit down to write. Thoughts get transferred to my fingers on the keyboard and I follow along. The quote I opened with resonated with me because I have been struggling with myself over the past few days, and part of that struggle involves what a lot of folks in the sobriety community call "romancing the drink." No matter how many hangovers I suffered, no matter how many bad experiences I had or caused due to alcohol, there is still that part of me that thinks, "Drinking is fun!" or "Just one won't hurt!"  There is still a part of me that misses it and mourns it the way you would a lover who was nothing but bad for you...

Anytime you're gonna grow, you're gonna lose something. You're losing what you're hanging onto to keep safe. You're losing habits that you're comfortable with, you're losing familiarity.   ~ James Hillman Another grey day with plenty of rain to show for it. I don't begrudge the clouds their rain or the earth for her need of it. The sun did show its light for a minute or two, and maybe we'll see the sunset. That is the way of most storm systems that move through this area. They come during the day and give us the gift of a marvelous sunset when they leave in the evening. There are committee meetings going on in my head today. The manager I appointed, the one who kindly and gracefully yet forcefully says, "No," is strangely absent. I'm going to have to find her because she is sorely needed. I think I may have already found her in the typing of this post, in the admission that I am struggling with thoughts of beer and bourbon. Wee...

Untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being. ~ Rumi We are well and truly socked in with clouds today. The wind has subsided, and they say it might snow tonight. Given that it's going to be warm tomorrow, I doubt we'll see much of the snow, if any at all. Day 11. I read that Rumi quote this morning and thought that perhaps sobriety will do that, or at the very least, disentangle me from the knot of a poisonous habit/addiction. I haven't written about my drinking history because I don't really know where to start or what to say about it. From the very beginning, it was Too Much. I've moved in and out of moderation from time to time, but for the most part, it was Too Much. Drinking contributed to a lot of the stupidity in my life. It contributed to some of the hateful things I've done, things I am still ashamed to think about today. I've been given forgiveness by others, but haven't yet learned how to forgive myself as I move ...

Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.   ~ Wendell Berry The outer weather is blustery, cold, an announcement of winter. Inside, it's a little calmer and warmer. Yoga and meditation have been keeping me on a relatively even keel. That's not to say that I don't tip, sway, wobble, and practically do an Eskimo roll* at times. Shit happens, and so do mood swings. Happily, I bounce back fairly quickly, and from my point of view, I haven't been too difficult to live with. I could be mistaken about that. My husband, the Prof, will have to weigh in. I'll ask him later. The fact that he is still talking to me is a good sign. Day 10. The double digits. That's been a high hurdle in the past. My drinking self is afrai...

You may accept the inevitable with bitterness and resentment or with patience and grace. Mere acceptance is not sufficient.   ~ Paul Brunton I think that's true. I think that is what underlies what they call a "dry drunk."  Day 8. Winter is coming, as they say. Today is not too bad in terms of temperature, but the clouds are persisting. Every now and then the sun peeks out to remind us that it is up there. I am still on the struggling side of acceptance, or at least acceptance with patience and grace. I want to be ahead of where I'm at now, enjoying the benefits of long-term sobriety, but I also have to remind myself to be patient. I have not yet earned the benefits of long-term sobriety, and the only way to earn them is by staying alcohol-free one day at a time, learning along the way as the days add up. I also want to hibernate. Sleep has been deep and the dreams have been weird. I have been dreaming of the dead. Perhaps my dead loved ones are trying to...

Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it.   ~Shakti Gawain There was an advert in the 1970's with the slogan " Weekends were made for Michelob ." It's been running through my head this evening along with thoughts of having a beer or two or three. I keep shunting the thoughts aside because I made an agreement with myself this morning that I would not drink today, but the tagline persists, making trouble for me. Michelob was not my beer of choice. I am an IPA type of gal for the most part, but enjoyed other craft beers, too. It's not the Michelob I want. It's the association of weekends with beer. It doesn't help that our society is soaked in alcohol and fun-filled commercials of people living the good beer-filled life, or that my husband's kisses taste of beer.  I will have to make peace with all of those things, won't I? Day 5, and I'm hanging in there. I've been kind...

The secret of surviving housework is simply to do it. Pull the plug on the part of your brain that always wants to negotiate everything...   Not postponing chores -- and not spending any mental energy equivocating, temporizing, or stalling -- is actually a lot more restful than worrying about what needs to be done.   ~ Veronique Vienne 'Tis true, you know. Procrastinating, especially when it comes to housework, brings more stress to my life than actually doing the work. I've been busy cleaning house this morning, doing things I've put off since last week. It feels so good to have it done. This is one of those early sober days in which I have a ton of energy, and it's best to get things done while I can. I know from past experience that the next few days might bring a drastic dip in my vim and verve, as the early days are wont to do. I will be traveling over the weekend. I'm not sure I'll have time to post after today due to preparations and some yar...

I'm thinking that I'm going to spend a lot of time writing here over the next 100 days. I'm thinking that 100 days seems like a long time, but that it is better if I don't think too hard about time, especially future time. I'm thinking I don't want to be hungover again. And I'm thinking that I've thought that last thought far too many times in my life. It would be easy to sit here and beat myself up. I've done enough of that. I am going to try to be kind to myself. As Monty Python said, "And now for something completely different." I'm thinking I want to be healthy and happy and free from harm as they say in metta meditations. I'm thinking that I cannot be any of those things while consuming mass quantities of beer and bourbon and other forms of alcohol.  I'm thinking that Day One with a hangover is always an easy Day One. I am trying not to think about Days Two, Three, Four, or Five, or any possible struggles ahead. Le...