the swash zone

Anytime you're gonna grow, you're gonna lose something. You're losing what you're hanging onto to keep safe. You're losing habits that you're comfortable with, you're losing familiarity.   ~ James Hillman Another grey day with plenty of rain to show for it. I don't begrudge the clouds their rain or the earth for her need of it. The sun did show its light for a minute or two, and maybe we'll see the sunset. That is the way of most storm systems that move through this area. They come during the day and give us the gift of a marvelous sunset when they leave in the evening. There are committee meetings going on in my head today. The manager I appointed, the one who kindly and gracefully yet forcefully says, "No," is strangely absent. I'm going to have to find her because she is sorely needed. I think I may have already found her in the typing of this post, in the admission that I am struggling with thoughts of beer and bourbon. Wee...

Untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being. ~ Rumi We are well and truly socked in with clouds today. The wind has subsided, and they say it might snow tonight. Given that it's going to be warm tomorrow, I doubt we'll see much of the snow, if any at all. Day 11. I read that Rumi quote this morning and thought that perhaps sobriety will do that, or at the very least, disentangle me from the knot of a poisonous habit/addiction. I haven't written about my drinking history because I don't really know where to start or what to say about it. From the very beginning, it was Too Much. I've moved in and out of moderation from time to time, but for the most part, it was Too Much. Drinking contributed to a lot of the stupidity in my life. It contributed to some of the hateful things I've done, things I am still ashamed to think about today. I've been given forgiveness by others, but haven't yet learned how to forgive myself as I move ...

Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.   ~ Wendell Berry The outer weather is blustery, cold, an announcement of winter. Inside, it's a little calmer and warmer. Yoga and meditation have been keeping me on a relatively even keel. That's not to say that I don't tip, sway, wobble, and practically do an Eskimo roll* at times. Shit happens, and so do mood swings. Happily, I bounce back fairly quickly, and from my point of view, I haven't been too difficult to live with. I could be mistaken about that. My husband, the Prof, will have to weigh in. I'll ask him later. The fact that he is still talking to me is a good sign. Day 10. The double digits. That's been a high hurdle in the past. My drinking self is afrai...

You may accept the inevitable with bitterness and resentment or with patience and grace. Mere acceptance is not sufficient.   ~ Paul Brunton I think that's true. I think that is what underlies what they call a "dry drunk."  Day 8. Winter is coming, as they say. Today is not too bad in terms of temperature, but the clouds are persisting. Every now and then the sun peeks out to remind us that it is up there. I am still on the struggling side of acceptance, or at least acceptance with patience and grace. I want to be ahead of where I'm at now, enjoying the benefits of long-term sobriety, but I also have to remind myself to be patient. I have not yet earned the benefits of long-term sobriety, and the only way to earn them is by staying alcohol-free one day at a time, learning along the way as the days add up. I also want to hibernate. Sleep has been deep and the dreams have been weird. I have been dreaming of the dead. Perhaps my dead loved ones are trying to...

Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it.   ~Shakti Gawain There was an advert in the 1970's with the slogan " Weekends were made for Michelob ." It's been running through my head this evening along with thoughts of having a beer or two or three. I keep shunting the thoughts aside because I made an agreement with myself this morning that I would not drink today, but the tagline persists, making trouble for me. Michelob was not my beer of choice. I am an IPA type of gal for the most part, but enjoyed other craft beers, too. It's not the Michelob I want. It's the association of weekends with beer. It doesn't help that our society is soaked in alcohol and fun-filled commercials of people living the good beer-filled life, or that my husband's kisses taste of beer.  I will have to make peace with all of those things, won't I? Day 5, and I'm hanging in there. I've been kind...

The nature of mind is like empty space, like the sky, which at present is filled with clouds and fog and mist and periodically has all kinds of activity such as hailstorms, snowstorms, rainstorms and thunder and lightning. ~ Kalu Rinpoche I have a terrible time dreaming up post titles. I start with a weather report (for instance, today's post title, as you can see, is "Overcast"), and hope that by the time I finish writing, I'll have come up with something more suitable. Then I wonder to myself, What's wrong with a weather report?  It might even describe my internal state of being. Day 2. It is, as stated, an overcast day here in the Middle of Nowhere. My inner state is not feeling too cloudy or stormy so far. I began my day with yoga and meditation. I'm exploring kundalini yoga, and bought a DVD ("Gurmukh's Kundalini Yoga" from Gaiam).  It is different from the yoga I am used to practicing.  I was interrupted about halfway through, and ...