the swash zone

"I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace.   ~Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha It has been a long time since I've posted here, and a lot has gone on since my last posting. Today is day 204 in my new life as a teetotaler. I still feel so raw and new and unsure of where I'm going. Part of me wishes I'd been writing here for the past 200+ days. I was writing elsewhere. It was a good place to be. I suppose that's stating the obvious. If it hadn't been, I wouldn't be 200+ days sober. The support of friends that I love wholeheartedly has been wonderful, but I feel in need of a different kind of support now. My lovely friends are not sober and while they will always be a part of my tribe, they are not the who...

Misery is impossible with gratefulness. ~ Osho Before I sat down to write this post I was busy drawing and then cooking my breakfast. Throughout those activities, I tried to stay in the moment and be present with what I was doing, but my mind would stray and start writing my blog post for me. However, by the time I put my fingers on the keyboard, all of the thoughts and ideas had disappeared. I have no idea what I meant to write about today. Day 32 and I'm feeling grateful for having gotten this far. Grateful to Holly over at Hip Sobriety for The Mantra Project . Grateful for all the support I've received at Hello Sunday Morning . Grateful for the support and comments from the Un-Tipsy Teacher . Grateful for my husband, my family, and my friends for all of their support. And grateful for this opportunity to begin to learn about who I am without alcohol. Are you familiar with the FlyLady ? A few years ago I tried her method of cleaning in an effort to get organized a...

Untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being. ~ Rumi We are well and truly socked in with clouds today. The wind has subsided, and they say it might snow tonight. Given that it's going to be warm tomorrow, I doubt we'll see much of the snow, if any at all. Day 11. I read that Rumi quote this morning and thought that perhaps sobriety will do that, or at the very least, disentangle me from the knot of a poisonous habit/addiction. I haven't written about my drinking history because I don't really know where to start or what to say about it. From the very beginning, it was Too Much. I've moved in and out of moderation from time to time, but for the most part, it was Too Much. Drinking contributed to a lot of the stupidity in my life. It contributed to some of the hateful things I've done, things I am still ashamed to think about today. I've been given forgiveness by others, but haven't yet learned how to forgive myself as I move ...

Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.   ~ Wendell Berry The outer weather is blustery, cold, an announcement of winter. Inside, it's a little calmer and warmer. Yoga and meditation have been keeping me on a relatively even keel. That's not to say that I don't tip, sway, wobble, and practically do an Eskimo roll* at times. Shit happens, and so do mood swings. Happily, I bounce back fairly quickly, and from my point of view, I haven't been too difficult to live with. I could be mistaken about that. My husband, the Prof, will have to weigh in. I'll ask him later. The fact that he is still talking to me is a good sign. Day 10. The double digits. That's been a high hurdle in the past. My drinking self is afrai...

Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow... When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But, if I let go and float, I am borne aloft.   ~ Marie Stilkind It is a day 4 of being alcohol-free. Beautifully sunny after a few days of clouds, but cold. The cold is good. We need a cold winter to knock out some of the insects that were almost a plague this past summer. Mother Earth knows what she's doing, if we'd only let her do it instead of doing things that upset the balance. I have been contemplating acceptance since that seems to be the theme for the past few days. I don't know why I struggle with accepting what is . Not all of what is . It feels easier, most of the time, to accept that I will live a life of heavy drinking than it is to accept that it is time to stop. All change is like that, I suppose. Yesterday was a tough one. I did wh...

The nature of mind is like empty space, like the sky, which at present is filled with clouds and fog and mist and periodically has all kinds of activity such as hailstorms, snowstorms, rainstorms and thunder and lightning. ~ Kalu Rinpoche I have a terrible time dreaming up post titles. I start with a weather report (for instance, today's post title, as you can see, is "Overcast"), and hope that by the time I finish writing, I'll have come up with something more suitable. Then I wonder to myself, What's wrong with a weather report?  It might even describe my internal state of being. Day 2. It is, as stated, an overcast day here in the Middle of Nowhere. My inner state is not feeling too cloudy or stormy so far. I began my day with yoga and meditation. I'm exploring kundalini yoga, and bought a DVD ("Gurmukh's Kundalini Yoga" from Gaiam).  It is different from the yoga I am used to practicing.  I was interrupted about halfway through, and ...