204. Grace

"I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace. 

~Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha

It has been a long time since I've posted here, and a lot has gone on since my last posting. Today is day 204 in my new life as a teetotaler. I still feel so raw and new and unsure of where I'm going.

Part of me wishes I'd been writing here for the past 200+ days. I was writing elsewhere. It was a good place to be. I suppose that's stating the obvious. If it hadn't been, I wouldn't be 200+ days sober. The support of friends that I love wholeheartedly has been wonderful, but I feel in need of a different kind of support now. My lovely friends are not sober and while they will always be a part of my tribe, they are not the whole of my tribe. I need to find some sober people who can relate to what it's like to be where I am right now, as well as those who are way beyond this point, who are leading the way into what is uncharted territory for me.

I have been thinking about how I've gotten to this point. Love, maybe, is part of the answer. Love of self to start. I could no longer sustain the self-loathing and disgust that was driving me towards a slow suicide by alcohol. It was too exhausting. Love of others, particularly family, moved in when I learned to start loving myself. A true love, one that wells up like clear, fresh water from the spring of the heart. Love (and forgiveness) for those I came from. Love for those currently in my life. Love for subsequent generations, even those who haven't been born yet. 

And grace. So much of this is grace. Grace is defined (via Dictionary.com) as a manifestation of favor, mercy, clemency, pardon, a pleasing or attractive quality, elegance or beauty of form. Perhaps it is the grace of god or gods or God. I'm still not on good terms with the idea of God much less an actual God. My higher power, if it can be called that, has no true definition. It is in everything. In the trees, the grasses, the muck of the marshes, the mud of mid-winter, the sunrises and sunsets, the grey clouds, the eyes of my granddaughters and grandsons, the soul of my beloved. It is within me, too.

I hit bottom last summer. It was a high bottom, to be sure, but that doesn't matter. It was A Bottom. Or The Bottom. It was crying in the doctor's office because I felt so sick on every level. My health was not good. My spirit was haggard and shadowy, as if all the alcohol I had been consuming was shredding my soul and putting out my own light.

I was fortunate. Or perhaps it was grace rather than luck. I have a good doc, one who listened, one who empathized, one who gave me a damn good lecture (ass-kicking) when I finished talking and crying. She pointed me in good directions, towards people who could help if I wanted to avail myself of that help. As it turned out, I went in other directions, towards things that were more appropriate for me. But I don't think I would have done so without the talk and the good guidance.

Kundalini Yoga and Recovery 2.0 (with Tommy Rosen) have been part of my path for the past 200+ days.  Meditation, exercise, getting outside to soak in the peace of beauty and nature, friends, and love have all been part of my path, too. I read. I write. I draw once in a while. I have more time now that I'm not drinking and spending whole days recovering from hangovers.

It was difficult at first. It's still difficult some days now. There's been a death in my family and I have been struggling with the committee for the past few days. The best way to shut down the committee, of course, is to take drinking off the table completely. There is nothing to debate. As long as I come back to that, I won't drink. There are days when it takes me a little longer to get there, and those are the days I struggle with myself (the committee).

I want to write and write and write about the past 200+ days, but I will have mercy on anyone who might be reading and wrap this up for now.

In gratitude,
Ania S.