the swash zone

When my master and I were walking in the rain, he would say, "Do not walk so fast, the rain is everywhere."   ~ Shunryu Suzuki It is day 312 of my sobriety journey. The past few days have been difficult. Dark. Tommy Rosen in his Recovery 2.0 talks about "the darkness of addiction and the light of recovery." I was diving into the darkness also known as social media, spending too much time in the anger and fearfulness of current events. Twitter has become a gloomy replacement for drinking. I realized yesterday that I was heading towards relapse. All the warming signs were there: anxiety, anger, mood swings galore, consuming large quantities of junk food, ignoring my sources of support, arguing with the internal committee who thinks drinking again would be great.  Whenever I get close to a big milestone, the committee starts holding loud, boisterous meetings, clamoring for attention, whining and cajoling, wanting to have "just one" drink. I appoint...

"I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace.   ~Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha It has been a long time since I've posted here, and a lot has gone on since my last posting. Today is day 204 in my new life as a teetotaler. I still feel so raw and new and unsure of where I'm going. Part of me wishes I'd been writing here for the past 200+ days. I was writing elsewhere. It was a good place to be. I suppose that's stating the obvious. If it hadn't been, I wouldn't be 200+ days sober. The support of friends that I love wholeheartedly has been wonderful, but I feel in need of a different kind of support now. My lovely friends are not sober and while they will always be a part of my tribe, they are not the who...

Only the present moment contains life.   ~ Thich Nhat Hanh I recently experienced a small (very small) crisis in my life.  Along with gratitude for a positive outcome, I became more aware of what I believe my life is about and what my priorities should be.  One of those priorities is to stop wasting the precious moments I've been given. It is another Day 2.  Today would have been Day 5, but I detoured on Day 3.  Had it not been for the very small event that shook me up, I might have continued drinking for a while. I am making no promises or commitments to anything other than this day and this moment.  The only thing that exists is this moment.  The past is forever gone except for the ghost shadows we call memories, and even those are not reliable.  The future is yet to be.  It is in the here and now that truth exists. Sat nam

When you deeply accept this moment as it is -- no matter what form it takes -- you are still, you are at peace.   ~ Eckhart Tolle So, here I am starting over.  Same blog, different name, same person who began this journey a long time ago.  I have detoured many times and still, I end up here in this place of knowing that I can not continue to drink and drink and drink.  It is a form of slow suicide.   Today, while hanging out the laundry, I began to count my blessings and I realized that slow suicide is a way of being profoundly ungrateful for all that I have been given in life.  Ungrateful for life itself! Becoming a teetotaler, on the other hand, would be a celebration of the life I've been given, a way of saying thank you. I am committing to being here, in this place of discovery and recovery, every day for as long as it takes to transform myself from a drinker to a non-drinker.

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.   ~ Eckhart Tolle I was sitting here sorting through quotes, trying to figure out which one best suited what is on my mind today. I have been thinking about why I have been successful so far. What has been different from past attempts?  I started out this time around with no expectations. Instead, I leaned on anticipation and curiosity. What's around the corner? Where will one more day of sobriety lead? Will it always be a struggle or is it true that it will get easier over time? And most importantly: Who am I without the crutch of alcohol? I started out this time with one real focus: sobriety. I didn't pile on a bunch of self-improvement projects the way I would if I bought a wreck of a house that I...

Misery is impossible with gratefulness. ~ Osho Before I sat down to write this post I was busy drawing and then cooking my breakfast. Throughout those activities, I tried to stay in the moment and be present with what I was doing, but my mind would stray and start writing my blog post for me. However, by the time I put my fingers on the keyboard, all of the thoughts and ideas had disappeared. I have no idea what I meant to write about today. Day 32 and I'm feeling grateful for having gotten this far. Grateful to Holly over at Hip Sobriety for The Mantra Project . Grateful for all the support I've received at Hello Sunday Morning . Grateful for the support and comments from the Un-Tipsy Teacher . Grateful for my husband, my family, and my friends for all of their support. And grateful for this opportunity to begin to learn about who I am without alcohol. Are you familiar with the FlyLady ? A few years ago I tried her method of cleaning in an effort to get organized a...

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~ Arthur Golden I would venture to say that sobriety is a bit like that, too. Once you take away the numbing effects of alcohol, you are left with yourself and finding out who you really are. I think that's why I often consider myself in discovery rather than in recovery. Day 30. I can't believe it's been thirty days, and I can't believe my last post was so long ago (on Day 18). As far as I can determine by my stats, I don't have many (any?) followers so there aren't too many who may have missed me while I was away. I meant to write, but it was the busy season (the holidaze and all that). Between spending time with family, traveling, and focusing on self-care, I didn't bother to find the time to come here and post. I also have another source of support. I have been hanging out at Hello Sunday Morning (HSM). You...

This then is life.  Here is what has come to the surface after so many throes and convulsions.  How Curious! How real!  Underfoot the divine soil, overhead the sun.   ~ Walt Whitman I can't believe it's been four days since my last post. I've been meaning to sit down and write something, but it's a crazy-busy time of year. I've also been writing Elsewhere, checking in with a community of wonderfully sober people. When I woke up this morning, tired from a poor night's sleep, I felt optimistic about getting through the holidays without alcohol. Even though I hadn't slept well, I was still waking up without a hangover. The most incredible thing about it was that I was sitting in one of my favorite pubs just last night, drinking water with lemon and enjoying some good food and great company, not the least phased about the lack of alcohol because I was having a good time. And now here I am, at barely past noon on this Friday before Christmas, thinking ...

No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories.   ~ Haruki Murakami I stumbled upon this quote while looking for something else and it's changed the direction of where I thought I'd go with today's update.  To be honest, I'm never exactly sure where I'm headed when I sit down to write. Thoughts get transferred to my fingers on the keyboard and I follow along. The quote I opened with resonated with me because I have been struggling with myself over the past few days, and part of that struggle involves what a lot of folks in the sobriety community call "romancing the drink." No matter how many hangovers I suffered, no matter how many bad experiences I had or caused due to alcohol, there is still that part of me that thinks, "Drinking is fun!" or "Just one won't hurt!"  There is still a part of me that misses it and mourns it the way you would a lover who was nothing but bad for you...

Anytime you're gonna grow, you're gonna lose something. You're losing what you're hanging onto to keep safe. You're losing habits that you're comfortable with, you're losing familiarity.   ~ James Hillman Another grey day with plenty of rain to show for it. I don't begrudge the clouds their rain or the earth for her need of it. The sun did show its light for a minute or two, and maybe we'll see the sunset. That is the way of most storm systems that move through this area. They come during the day and give us the gift of a marvelous sunset when they leave in the evening. There are committee meetings going on in my head today. The manager I appointed, the one who kindly and gracefully yet forcefully says, "No," is strangely absent. I'm going to have to find her because she is sorely needed. I think I may have already found her in the typing of this post, in the admission that I am struggling with thoughts of beer and bourbon. Wee...

Untie your knot. Seek the path that demands your whole being. ~ Rumi We are well and truly socked in with clouds today. The wind has subsided, and they say it might snow tonight. Given that it's going to be warm tomorrow, I doubt we'll see much of the snow, if any at all. Day 11. I read that Rumi quote this morning and thought that perhaps sobriety will do that, or at the very least, disentangle me from the knot of a poisonous habit/addiction. I haven't written about my drinking history because I don't really know where to start or what to say about it. From the very beginning, it was Too Much. I've moved in and out of moderation from time to time, but for the most part, it was Too Much. Drinking contributed to a lot of the stupidity in my life. It contributed to some of the hateful things I've done, things I am still ashamed to think about today. I've been given forgiveness by others, but haven't yet learned how to forgive myself as I move ...

Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into.   ~ Wendell Berry The outer weather is blustery, cold, an announcement of winter. Inside, it's a little calmer and warmer. Yoga and meditation have been keeping me on a relatively even keel. That's not to say that I don't tip, sway, wobble, and practically do an Eskimo roll* at times. Shit happens, and so do mood swings. Happily, I bounce back fairly quickly, and from my point of view, I haven't been too difficult to live with. I could be mistaken about that. My husband, the Prof, will have to weigh in. I'll ask him later. The fact that he is still talking to me is a good sign. Day 10. The double digits. That's been a high hurdle in the past. My drinking self is afrai...

You may accept the inevitable with bitterness and resentment or with patience and grace. Mere acceptance is not sufficient.   ~ Paul Brunton I think that's true. I think that is what underlies what they call a "dry drunk."  Day 8. Winter is coming, as they say. Today is not too bad in terms of temperature, but the clouds are persisting. Every now and then the sun peeks out to remind us that it is up there. I am still on the struggling side of acceptance, or at least acceptance with patience and grace. I want to be ahead of where I'm at now, enjoying the benefits of long-term sobriety, but I also have to remind myself to be patient. I have not yet earned the benefits of long-term sobriety, and the only way to earn them is by staying alcohol-free one day at a time, learning along the way as the days add up. I also want to hibernate. Sleep has been deep and the dreams have been weird. I have been dreaming of the dead. Perhaps my dead loved ones are trying to...

Anything in life that we don't accept will simply make trouble for us until we make peace with it.   ~Shakti Gawain There was an advert in the 1970's with the slogan " Weekends were made for Michelob ." It's been running through my head this evening along with thoughts of having a beer or two or three. I keep shunting the thoughts aside because I made an agreement with myself this morning that I would not drink today, but the tagline persists, making trouble for me. Michelob was not my beer of choice. I am an IPA type of gal for the most part, but enjoyed other craft beers, too. It's not the Michelob I want. It's the association of weekends with beer. It doesn't help that our society is soaked in alcohol and fun-filled commercials of people living the good beer-filled life, or that my husband's kisses taste of beer.  I will have to make peace with all of those things, won't I? Day 5, and I'm hanging in there. I've been kind...

Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow... When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But, if I let go and float, I am borne aloft.   ~ Marie Stilkind It is a day 4 of being alcohol-free. Beautifully sunny after a few days of clouds, but cold. The cold is good. We need a cold winter to knock out some of the insects that were almost a plague this past summer. Mother Earth knows what she's doing, if we'd only let her do it instead of doing things that upset the balance. I have been contemplating acceptance since that seems to be the theme for the past few days. I don't know why I struggle with accepting what is . Not all of what is . It feels easier, most of the time, to accept that I will live a life of heavy drinking than it is to accept that it is time to stop. All change is like that, I suppose. Yesterday was a tough one. I did wh...

The nature of mind is like empty space, like the sky, which at present is filled with clouds and fog and mist and periodically has all kinds of activity such as hailstorms, snowstorms, rainstorms and thunder and lightning. ~ Kalu Rinpoche I have a terrible time dreaming up post titles. I start with a weather report (for instance, today's post title, as you can see, is "Overcast"), and hope that by the time I finish writing, I'll have come up with something more suitable. Then I wonder to myself, What's wrong with a weather report?  It might even describe my internal state of being. Day 2. It is, as stated, an overcast day here in the Middle of Nowhere. My inner state is not feeling too cloudy or stormy so far. I began my day with yoga and meditation. I'm exploring kundalini yoga, and bought a DVD ("Gurmukh's Kundalini Yoga" from Gaiam).  It is different from the yoga I am used to practicing.  I was interrupted about halfway through, and ...

Hello. How are you? It's been a while, eh? A lot has happened since I last took notice of my lonely little blog. Life, death, the election here in the U.S., and a lot of drinking. Today is the last day of my 57th year on this planet.  Tomorrow is the start of my 58th. I spent the weekend in a long celebration of life. I was with friends, paying tribute to a good friend who died in October. Along the way, I also began to think about paying tribute -- honoring -- my own life. I wrote that I was with friends, but I have come to realize I was with part of my tribe. That is a huge realization for me because I have spent a large portion of my life believing myself to be an outsider. It was one of many stories I told myself. Over the past year, I've taken the time to be curious about the stories I tell myself, to wonder if those stories are true or false. During the weekend I discovered that most of those stories are false. I am not an outsider, but part of a larger whole and w...

The secret of surviving housework is simply to do it. Pull the plug on the part of your brain that always wants to negotiate everything...   Not postponing chores -- and not spending any mental energy equivocating, temporizing, or stalling -- is actually a lot more restful than worrying about what needs to be done.   ~ Veronique Vienne 'Tis true, you know. Procrastinating, especially when it comes to housework, brings more stress to my life than actually doing the work. I've been busy cleaning house this morning, doing things I've put off since last week. It feels so good to have it done. This is one of those early sober days in which I have a ton of energy, and it's best to get things done while I can. I know from past experience that the next few days might bring a drastic dip in my vim and verve, as the early days are wont to do. I will be traveling over the weekend. I'm not sure I'll have time to post after today due to preparations and some yar...

I'm thinking that I'm going to spend a lot of time writing here over the next 100 days. I'm thinking that 100 days seems like a long time, but that it is better if I don't think too hard about time, especially future time. I'm thinking I don't want to be hungover again. And I'm thinking that I've thought that last thought far too many times in my life. It would be easy to sit here and beat myself up. I've done enough of that. I am going to try to be kind to myself. As Monty Python said, "And now for something completely different." I'm thinking I want to be healthy and happy and free from harm as they say in metta meditations. I'm thinking that I cannot be any of those things while consuming mass quantities of beer and bourbon and other forms of alcohol.  I'm thinking that Day One with a hangover is always an easy Day One. I am trying not to think about Days Two, Three, Four, or Five, or any possible struggles ahead. Le...

Let go of the battle. Breathe quietly and let it be. Let your body relax and your heart soften. Open to whatever you experience without fighting.   ~ Jack Kornfield, A Path with Heart: A Guide Through the Perils and Promises of Spiritual Life I'm tired today. I'm not sure why. I slept really well last night. Whatever the reason, and I'm not sure it matters at this point, I will need to keep that in mind later when the happy hours cometh.  I love that Jack Kornfield quote. It's a sage piece of advice. I know from past experience that it is when I'm battling with myself that I am most likely to give in to the cravings to drink (or eat, or when I was smoking, smoke). The key, I think, is not to engage with the Addicted Self. Acknowledge the thoughts, but don't get wrapped up in them. I recently took the free week of Recovery 2.0 coaching offered by Tommy Rosen. I wish I could afford to join his eight week program. Ah well, it's beyond my means at thi...