Starting at the very beginning

Hello. How are you? It's been a while, eh? A lot has happened since I last took notice of my lonely little blog. Life, death, the election here in the U.S., and a lot of drinking.

Today is the last day of my 57th year on this planet.  Tomorrow is the start of my 58th. I spent the weekend in a long celebration of life. I was with friends, paying tribute to a good friend who died in October. Along the way, I also began to think about paying tribute -- honoring -- my own life.

I wrote that I was with friends, but I have come to realize I was with part of my tribe. That is a huge realization for me because I have spent a large portion of my life believing myself to be an outsider. It was one of many stories I told myself. Over the past year, I've taken the time to be curious about the stories I tell myself, to wonder if those stories are true or false. During the weekend I discovered that most of those stories are false. I am not an outsider, but part of a larger whole and within that whole, I am part of a smaller tribe. 

I have also discovered that maybe my purpose in life isn't to serve as the bad example to others. Maybe my purpose, if there is such a thing, is to help others. To do that, I have to help myself first. I have to lift myself up out of the muck of my abusive relationship with alcohol, and get on with living my life.

So, as a way of ending my 57th year on a good note, I signed up for The Mantra Project over at Hip Sobriety. Go ahead and follow that link to read all about it. I'll wait here for you.

Did you check it out? It is right up my alley. I like meditating, I like mantras, and when I'm sober, I like sobriety. It's the perfect combination for me. I'll let you know how it goes. The introductory email hit my inbox right away. The 40 days of mantras start tomorrow. I'll be on day two of sobriety, but that's okay. A little head start won't hurt.

I also like Holly's idea for rebranding (How To Fix The Addiction Epidemic Through Rebranding And Social Proof).  Oddly enough, I woke up this morning thinking that it was time I become a teetotaler. Seriously. That EXACT word. I've always liked the word, and I think Holly's way of using it will catch on.

This morning has brought many signs and signals that starting right now is the way to go. Reminders that I have help available and that I should avail myself of that help rather than try to go it alone. There was also an uncanny horoscope reading that I won't go into detail about, but will mention that it encompassed so much of what I've been going through lately that it gave me chills, in a good way. It reinforced my decision to start my brand new life as a teetotaler right now.

There is a joy in the actual taste of vanilla ice cream that does not come from knowing the chemical formula of vanilla. There is a joy, an inherent aliveness in the body that you can experience if you pay attention to your body. But if you live up in your head, in your words all the time, you don't notice it. 

~ Charles T. Tart

And that's where I'm at. Wanting to pay attention to my body, to learn its language, to experience that "inherent aliveness." I cannot do that while I'm numbing myself with alcohol.