37. Creating space

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter. 

~ Eckhart Tolle

I was sitting here sorting through quotes, trying to figure out which one best suited what is on my mind today. I have been thinking about why I have been successful so far. What has been different from past attempts? 

I started out this time around with no expectations. Instead, I leaned on anticipation and curiosity. What's around the corner? Where will one more day of sobriety lead? Will it always be a struggle or is it true that it will get easier over time? And most importantly: Who am I without the crutch of alcohol?

I started out this time with one real focus: sobriety. I didn't pile on a bunch of self-improvement projects the way I would if I bought a wreck of a house that I had to renovate in order to live in it. I didn't take up the cause of weight loss. I didn't decide I would exercise like a maniac every day or become the world's best yogini or write a novel or start an ambitious art project. It's true that I have been exercising and meditating and practicing yoga. I have been doing those things on a daily basis, a habit I've been building for the past few years, but some days all I can manage is a few minutes of this or that, and I have allowed myself to be happy with those few minutes and consider it a success that I did something rather than nothing. I have lost a little weight, but not because I insisted on it or drastically changed my diet. I have been writing when I feel like it, drawing when I feel like it, but the main focus has been learning to live my life without alcohol. 

Insert curiosity into that focus, and I find myself almost joyfully anticipating the day and even the struggle with cravings because I approach those struggles with a sense of wonder and a question: What is it I truly, deep down, crave? 

Some days the answer IS alcohol. I have been regularly overindulging in alcohol for a long time. The mind and body crave what they are used to having. When the answer is alcohol, I look at other ways I can fulfill that need. Most of the time, distraction is all it takes. "Look at the shiny object over there!" I say to my craving mind. And the mind looks, forgetting all about the beer, the bourbon, the glass of wine.

Some days the answer is rest or nutritious food or the company of loved ones or friends. Some days the answer is a walk outside to take in the beauty of nature. Some days the answer is creation, art of some kind. It could be writing, drawing, or photography. It could be making a mandala out of leaves and pine cones in the forest. It could be singing out loud or dancing in the living room. 

Some days the answer is play, laughter, and/or an adventure. Maybe a hike at a nearby park or a trip to the beach or saying Yes! to whatever comes along.

In between all of that, there is my job which might not seem like a job to some because I work from home and I do not receive an official paycheck. There is work to be done out here on the ranch in the Middle of Nowhere, chores that cannot be ignored. But there are some chores that can be skipped every now and then so that I can take some needed time out for myself. The laundry, for instance, will always be there. There will always be dishes to be washed, there will always be the cleaning. Sometimes it feels okay to let those things go in order to take care of something my heart or soul are yearning to do.

I think what has been different this time around is that I have not tried to force myself to change. Instead, as Eckhart Tolle wrote in the quote I opened with, I created the space for transformation to happen.

I have had some difficult days. I have had days when I feel sad, anxious, afraid, angry, happy, wacky, playful, tired, lonely, brave, smart, stupid, confident, embarrassed, and a whole range of other emotions. The big difference between Then (when I was drinking) and Now (when I am not) is that I live and feel those emotions. I am not trying to shove them down or numb them away.

I don't know how far I will go on this journey of sobriety. It is still early days. I am confident in my curiosity, but not confident in my sobriety because I know that it is all too easy to lose it. So, I don't plan for future sober events. Instead, I focus on today, on right now.

And today, right now, is enough.

Peace, love, and happiness,
Rania ☼