the swash zone

"I have had to experience so much stupidity, so many vices, so much error, so much nausea, disillusionment and sorrow, just in order to become a child again and begin anew. I had to experience despair, I had to sink to the greatest mental depths, to thoughts of suicide, in order to experience grace.   ~Hermann Hesse, Siddhartha It has been a long time since I've posted here, and a lot has gone on since my last posting. Today is day 204 in my new life as a teetotaler. I still feel so raw and new and unsure of where I'm going. Part of me wishes I'd been writing here for the past 200+ days. I was writing elsewhere. It was a good place to be. I suppose that's stating the obvious. If it hadn't been, I wouldn't be 200+ days sober. The support of friends that I love wholeheartedly has been wonderful, but I feel in need of a different kind of support now. My lovely friends are not sober and while they will always be a part of my tribe, they are not the who

Only the present moment contains life.   ~ Thich Nhat Hanh I recently experienced a small (very small) crisis in my life.  Along with gratitude for a positive outcome, I became more aware of what I believe my life is about and what my priorities should be.  One of those priorities is to stop wasting the precious moments I've been given. It is another Day 2.  Today would have been Day 5, but I detoured on Day 3.  Had it not been for the very small event that shook me up, I might have continued drinking for a while. I am making no promises or commitments to anything other than this day and this moment.  The only thing that exists is this moment.  The past is forever gone except for the ghost shadows we call memories, and even those are not reliable.  The future is yet to be.  It is in the here and now that truth exists. Sat nam

When you deeply accept this moment as it is -- no matter what form it takes -- you are still, you are at peace.   ~ Eckhart Tolle So, here I am starting over.  Same blog, different name, same person who began this journey a long time ago.  I have detoured many times and still, I end up here in this place of knowing that I can not continue to drink and drink and drink.  It is a form of slow suicide.   Today, while hanging out the laundry, I began to count my blessings and I realized that slow suicide is a way of being profoundly ungrateful for all that I have been given in life.  Ungrateful for life itself! Becoming a teetotaler, on the other hand, would be a celebration of the life I've been given, a way of saying thank you. I am committing to being here, in this place of discovery and recovery, every day for as long as it takes to transform myself from a drinker to a non-drinker.

As far as inner transformation is concerned, there is nothing you can do about it. You cannot transform yourself, and you certainly cannot transform your partner or anybody else. All you can do is create a space for transformation to happen, for grace and love to enter.   ~ Eckhart Tolle I was sitting here sorting through quotes, trying to figure out which one best suited what is on my mind today. I have been thinking about why I have been successful so far. What has been different from past attempts?  I started out this time around with no expectations. Instead, I leaned on anticipation and curiosity. What's around the corner? Where will one more day of sobriety lead? Will it always be a struggle or is it true that it will get easier over time? And most importantly: Who am I without the crutch of alcohol? I started out this time with one real focus: sobriety. I didn't pile on a bunch of self-improvement projects the way I would if I bought a wreck of a house that I

Misery is impossible with gratefulness. ~ Osho Before I sat down to write this post I was busy drawing and then cooking my breakfast. Throughout those activities, I tried to stay in the moment and be present with what I was doing, but my mind would stray and start writing my blog post for me. However, by the time I put my fingers on the keyboard, all of the thoughts and ideas had disappeared. I have no idea what I meant to write about today. Day 32 and I'm feeling grateful for having gotten this far. Grateful to Holly over at Hip Sobriety for The Mantra Project . Grateful for all the support I've received at Hello Sunday Morning . Grateful for the support and comments from the Un-Tipsy Teacher . Grateful for my husband, my family, and my friends for all of their support. And grateful for this opportunity to begin to learn about who I am without alcohol. Are you familiar with the FlyLady ? A few years ago I tried her method of cleaning in an effort to get organized a

Adversity is like a strong wind. It tears away from us all but the things that cannot be torn, so that we see ourselves as we really are. ~ Arthur Golden I would venture to say that sobriety is a bit like that, too. Once you take away the numbing effects of alcohol, you are left with yourself and finding out who you really are. I think that's why I often consider myself in discovery rather than in recovery. Day 30. I can't believe it's been thirty days, and I can't believe my last post was so long ago (on Day 18). As far as I can determine by my stats, I don't have many (any?) followers so there aren't too many who may have missed me while I was away. I meant to write, but it was the busy season (the holidaze and all that). Between spending time with family, traveling, and focusing on self-care, I didn't bother to find the time to come here and post. I also have another source of support. I have been hanging out at Hello Sunday Morning (HSM). You