What's in a name?

swash

On the fretted seam between water and land, ocean breakers send a rushing sheet of seawater -- a swash -- up the beach. The swash receding, pulling seaward with a drag force that takes the sand right out from under your bare feet, every particle felt, is backwash. In The Edge of the Sea, Rachel Carson called the swash zone "a world of force and change and constant motion, where even the sand acquires some of the fluidity of water." 

~ Ellen Meloy, Home Ground: Language for an American Landscape

I've always been fascinated by the sea, something many people have and could say or write. I have many photos of waves, and even more photos of swash. I love the white foamy appearance of the water as it washes to shore, especially the phosphorescence at night. In one swoop, the water changes everything by moving the sand, and whatever else might be there, to and fro. Sometimes the swoop is gentle, sometimes it's harsh and turbulent. The swash brings treasures to the shore, and takes them back again unless someone has come along to claim them.

Waves ebb and flow, tides rise and fall, and the ocean remains, cleansing and healing. That is what I'm hoping to do as I set sail on a journey to live an alcohol-free life: cleanse and heal.

A little about my drinking life: I have not hit a low bottom, but have found that I am relying too much on alcohol to help me cope. I drink too often and too much. I have tried sobriety on and off for years now, and the quitting seems to contribute to binge drinking. Moderation teases and calls, but I have yet to succeed at it. I don't believe moderation is for me. 

I have gone at sobriety in all kinds of different ways. I've made it as long as 100 days and as short as one day. I want today to be the final day of drinking, but also know that this has to be approached one day at a time rather than as a forever thing. 

Tomorrow will be day one. Today I will stock up on tools, do research, devise a schedule that includes rewards, and make sure I have plenty of herbal teas and sparkling waters on hand.

I am finding surrender and acceptance difficult so maybe, just maybe, that is where I need to start. I can accept that my drinking is leading me nowhere in life, that I drink too much when I do drink, and that my life would be a hell of a lot better if I gave it up completely. And yet... there is always the "and yet."

I've been reading about the brain and how addiction works, and I know the "and yet" is related to what goes on in the prefrontal cortex. I've been reading about what alcohol does to the body. I've been reading, reading, reading. It's time to make like the goddess Nike and just do it.

If you know of any good sobriety blogs, let me know. I'm out there looking now, and hope to find some help along the way.

Thank you for reading.