Day 10: Blustery day


Always in the big woods when you leave familiar ground and step off alone into a new place there will be, along with the feelings of curiosity and excitement, a little nagging of dread. It is the ancient fear of the Unknown, and it is your first bond with the wilderness you are going into. 
~ Wendell Berry
The outer weather is blustery, cold, an announcement of winter. Inside, it's a little calmer and warmer. Yoga and meditation have been keeping me on a relatively even keel. That's not to say that I don't tip, sway, wobble, and practically do an Eskimo roll* at times. Shit happens, and so do mood swings. Happily, I bounce back fairly quickly, and from my point of view, I haven't been too difficult to live with. I could be mistaken about that. My husband, the Prof, will have to weigh in. I'll ask him later. The fact that he is still talking to me is a good sign.

 Day 10. The double digits. That's been a high hurdle in the past. My drinking self is afraid that the higher the numbers get, the more likely it is I won't drink. EVER. AGAIN. I remind my drinking self that this is not about EVER AGAIN or NEVER AGAIN. It is about today. EVER and NEVER can take care of themselves. I have enough to handle taking care of my Self.

 I have been experiencing some blissful states during yoga and meditation lately. Mind-blowing and mind-expanding states. Perhaps I'm becoming high on life. Those blissful states lead me towards being more aware of the beauty in life, and bring me closer to the reasons why an alcohol-free life beats the hell out of a soggy, drunken life. There is very little love in a soggy, drunken life because that kind of life drives it out, or at least gives the perception of driving it out under the guise of not being worthy of love.

 The most interesting thing about where I am at right now is that I am beginning to get a glimpse of what it is I was meant to be doing in this life. I like what I see. I like the ideas forming, the sparks of creativity firing. I know that eventually I will have to plunge into this life but for now, I am dipping a toe in here and there, testing the waters. For now, I need to concentrate on taking care of myself and my sobriety. 

 I am in the Early Days, a frequently explored part of the map of my life of sobriety. I know that if I start plunging in, taking on too much, I will lead myself to failure. It's in the pattern of past attempts. On the other hand, if I sit back and keep observing, I will lead myself to failure. This, too, is in the pattern of past attempts. I am trying something different this time around.

 Balance is a tricky thing, requiring one to go back and forth to keep from falling off. A little sway to the right, a little sway to the left, each time passing through the middle. Maybe somewhere in the center I will find myself. 

 Peace, love, and happiness,
Rania

 *Eskimo roll: Also known as a kayak roll, it's when you capsize and roll the kayak, usually by using your body and/or a paddle.

Comments

  1. Finding a Sober MiracleDecember 15, 2016 at 9:03 PM

    I wrote a long comment here but hit the wrong button and it disappeared. (Sigh.)
    I will do a short recap.

    I love this description of early sobriety, especially this:

    There is very little love in a soggy, drunken life because that kind of life drives it out, or at least gives the perception of driving it out under the guise of not being worthy of love.

    My usual pattern is to drink to avoid hearing the voice you were talking about, the one that is hinting about what you really should be doing. Then drinking becomes an elaborate form of procrastination. I don't have to change or try new things when drinking. I only have to try to stop drinking then. And that supersedes everything.
    Now that I have some sober time, I am still procrastinating, but I can sense something new on the horizon.
    Love your blog. ; )

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ania SomebodyDecember 16, 2016 at 2:41 PM

      I've had that happen with long comments, too, Find a Sober Miracle. Frustrating, isn't it? Thank you so much for your lovely and thought-provoking comment (recap). Your comment is my first so that's rather thrilling. :)

      Procrastinating is a habit of mine when I drink, too, and I never really thought about why, but I think you may be on to something when it comes to drinking driving out the voice that tells me what I really should be doing.

      Thanks again for stopping by!

      Delete

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