Day 12: And it rained and rained and rained


Anytime you're gonna grow, you're gonna lose something. You're losing what you're hanging onto to keep safe. You're losing habits that you're comfortable with, you're losing familiarity. 
~ James Hillman
Another grey day with plenty of rain to show for it. I don't begrudge the clouds their rain or the earth for her need of it. The sun did show its light for a minute or two, and maybe we'll see the sunset. That is the way of most storm systems that move through this area. They come during the day and give us the gift of a marvelous sunset when they leave in the evening.

 There are committee meetings going on in my head today. The manager I appointed, the one who kindly and gracefully yet forcefully says, "No," is strangely absent. I'm going to have to find her because she is sorely needed. I think I may have already found her in the typing of this post, in the admission that I am struggling with thoughts of beer and bourbon. Weekend thoughts.

 The manager -- the voice of reason in my head -- is now reminding me of hangovers, of blackouts, of waking up in the morning and not knowing if I need to apologize to someone, not knowing if I hurt someone I love by saying dangerous and destructive things. She is reminding me that "just one" is rarely just one, and that if I give up now, I will miss what's around the corner of Sober Street.

 These struggles with myself, with the drinking parts of myself, give me a huge headache. The best thing to do when I have this kind of tension headache is go out to the living room and dance.

 And so I will. I will sing, too, as loud as I want to.

 Love, peace, and happiness,
Rania

 P.S.  I will not drink today. I will take it moment by moment. I will use the tools I've acquired through experience and through advice from those who have traveled this path longer than I have. I will ask for help, not when it's too late or almost too late. In fact, I will text for some support as soon as I finish dancing around the living room. Just to let someone know that I might need a hand or a few words of wisdom to help me through this day.

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