Day 14: Two Weeks

No matter how much suffering you went through, you never wanted to let go of those memories. 

~ Haruki Murakami

I stumbled upon this quote while looking for something else and it's changed the direction of where I thought I'd go with today's update.  To be honest, I'm never exactly sure where I'm headed when I sit down to write. Thoughts get transferred to my fingers on the keyboard and I follow along.

The quote I opened with resonated with me because I have been struggling with myself over the past few days, and part of that struggle involves what a lot of folks in the sobriety community call "romancing the drink." No matter how many hangovers I suffered, no matter how many bad experiences I had or caused due to alcohol, there is still that part of me that thinks, "Drinking is fun!" or "Just one won't hurt!"  There is still a part of me that misses it and mourns it the way you would a lover who was nothing but bad for you.

I have to work on those grooves in the brain, create new pathways, so I come to think of this sober life in the same way I think of my drinking life. Maybe a year from now I'll be thinking, "Sobriety is fun!" or "I'm so glad I decided to live an alcohol-free life!" I could start today, repeating those things to myself until they become a part of me. In fact, I will.

I haven't felt as though sobriety is fun, but that is my own fault. I have done little to make it fun. I've moped about, engaging in debates with the committee. I must find other things to do. Take up a hobby. Learn something new. How about that penny whistle I bought years ago and never learned to play? That would be a good start. Or I could practice my drawing. Take walks in the woods. Learn about my camera. There are buttons and settings on there that I've never used because I don't know what they are.

Going alcohol-free is just the start of my new life. I have to get up off my arse and stop acting like someone who has lost their best friend. I started to write that alcohol was no friend of mine, but that isn't true. Alcohol was a way for me to cope, to find some social courage, to numb out when I couldn't bear the feelings. I need to be honest and acknowledge that. I don't mean I should build it up or "romance" it. Just recognize that I am who I am today because of what has gone on in the past.

It really is time for me to say thank you and goodbye to beer, to bourbon, to wine, to all the spirits I've tried over the years. I think that will make it easier to let go so I can can get on with this new chapter of my life.

Peace, love, and happiness,
Rania