Sunny, windy, blue-sky day


Today I know that I cannot control the ocean tides. I can only go with the flow... When I struggle and try to organize the Atlantic to my specifications, I sink. If I flail and thrash and growl and grumble, I go under. But, if I let go and float, I am borne aloft. 
~ Marie Stilkind
It is a day 4 of being alcohol-free. Beautifully sunny after a few days of clouds, but cold. The cold is good. We need a cold winter to knock out some of the insects that were almost a plague this past summer. Mother Earth knows what she's doing, if we'd only let her do it instead of doing things that upset the balance.

 I have been contemplating acceptance since that seems to be the theme for the past few days. I don't know why I struggle with accepting what is. Not all of what is. It feels easier, most of the time, to accept that I will live a life of heavy drinking than it is to accept that it is time to stop. All change is like that, I suppose.

 Yesterday was a tough one. I did what I needed to do to see it through, to accept it as it was. I did a lot of crying and writing. I let what needed to come out, come out. Sobriety brings up shit that has been buried so deeply that I forgot it was there. I don't know why it surprises me Every. Single. Time. I don't see it coming even though I have been down this road enough that I should be expecting it.

 Maybe it is better that I don't expect it. Kind of like being in a car accident. You're more like to be injured if you're braced for it than if you're relaxed and not anticipating it. (I could be wrong in generalizing about that. I can only go by my own experience and what the doc said in the ER when I was in a car accident a year or so ago.)

 The kundalini yoga practice I've been doing might be contributing to the clearing out of old emotions and past happenings, too. Although it is tough when I am going through it, there is magic in the process. It feels good to let go of the past, to let my anger scream out or my tears flow. There is something about yoga that releases all this hidden stuff from the very depths of my cells.

 The other thing I have been pondering is how to go about this in a way that brings success. What will I do differently? Where will I find support? There are no groups here in the Middle of Nowhere. My support will have to be my husband and of the online variety. 

 Maybe it is time I reached out to others who blog about sobriety.

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