Day 8: Another cloudy day


You may accept the inevitable with bitterness and resentment or with patience and grace. Mere acceptance is not sufficient. 
~ Paul Brunton
I think that's true. I think that is what underlies what they call a "dry drunk." 

 Day 8. Winter is coming, as they say. Today is not too bad in terms of temperature, but the clouds are persisting. Every now and then the sun peeks out to remind us that it is up there.

 I am still on the struggling side of acceptance, or at least acceptance with patience and grace. I want to be ahead of where I'm at now, enjoying the benefits of long-term sobriety, but I also have to remind myself to be patient. I have not yet earned the benefits of long-term sobriety, and the only way to earn them is by staying alcohol-free one day at a time, learning along the way as the days add up.

 I also want to hibernate. Sleep has been deep and the dreams have been weird. I have been dreaming of the dead. Perhaps my dead loved ones are trying to cheer me on and give me a boost. Or perhaps it's just the holidays and the spirits of Christmas past.

 I do think I'll start taking a cat nap here and there every now and then. Sobriety is exhausting at times. I've been going to bed early on the nights I find myself in debates with the committee. Thank goodness I appointed a manager of the committee, a voice of reason to ask, "And just how well has it worked out for you to have 'just one' in the past?"

 So, yeah. 'Just one' is off the table for now. I renegotiate this almost every day, but the manager is good about sticking to her guns.

 Some days I feel as though sobriety is stripping me of my armor. Little by little, peeling it off and exposing me to the whole of life. Add to that the meditation and kundalini yoga I've been practicing, and I find my heart is becoming open and vulnerable.

 I'm not sure how I feel about that.

 Love, peace, and happiness,
Rania

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